SOUTH PORKMAIL 10X
Act 1 · The vote — motion 3 / 5Stamp73¢
Kenny portrait

Kenny

moves the motion

Forever stamp

73¢

Price held. The product got worse instead.

South Park Town Hall · Motion 3 of 5

Motion Three — close the plant, it's underused

MOVED: that the local processing facility be consolidated and the service standard relaxed, since the plant is running below capacity anyway.

Underused plant, obvious cut. The town congratulates itself on finally making a hard decision instead of just raising the price. This is the only motion all night that anyone calls courageous.

Slower mail is worth less to the mailer. A postcard that lands nine days late cost full postage to be irrelevant — so the mailer buys fewer of them, and the plant gets even more underused.

The town cut the cost of the network by making the product worse, which reduced demand for the product, which is the argument for the next cut.

Source: USPS Delivering for America service standard revisions; USPS FY2025 Form 10-K

The floor is open

  • Kenny: (mmrph mrrph mmphhh?)
  • Stan: He's asking where his birthday card is.
  • Kenny: (mrph mrrph mphh.)
  • Kyle: He says it was mailed eleven days ago. From two towns over.
  • Randy: Okay but the plant was only half full. You can't run a half-full plant, buddy.
  • Kyle: It's half full because the mail's slow. It's slow because you closed the other one.
  • Randy: All in favor of being fiscally responsible?

MOTION CARRIES · service standard relaxed

Volume falls. Next motion.

No solutions in Act 1. The town gets five decisions and takes all five. Skip to the rebuttal.