Motion Four — rename the town, take the free money

MOVED: that the town rename itself "South Pork" to qualify for a $4.2 million federal Rural Postal Logistics Transition grant, and launch an official town website at southporkme.com.

Randy is back from three days at a Washington postal symposium with a lanyard, a hotel tumbler and a revelation: why argue over a nickel on stamps when Washington hands out millions to any town that asks? It's free money. Nobody votes against free money.

A grant is a one-time check; a delivery route is a forever cost. Not one dollar of it puts a letter in a mailbox, and the people pouring the drinks in Washington were there to get something too.

The sign on the highway changes. The grant gets spent on the sign, the website and a consultant. Six months later the stamp goes to 78¢ anyway.

Source: USPS price change July 13, 2025 (73¢ → 78¢); South Pork Town Council minutes (parody)

The floor is open

Randy: Guys. GUYS. I just spent three days at an open bar with some very important people from K Street.
Randy: We don't have to raise stamps anymore! Washington just GIVES you money. Sharon, it's free!
Kyle: Why would we have to rename the town South Pork?
Randy: Because, Kyle, you have to show Washington your snout is in the trough. It's branding! *hic*
Randy: And the grant requires an official mascot, so we paid a K Street branding firm five hundred thousand dollars. *pulls sheet off easel* Everybody, meet Barnaby!
Kyle: That's a cartoon pig. We live in the Rocky Mountains.
Randy: He has high visual salience across rural demographics, Kyle! That's what federal compliance looks like!
Mr. Mackey: Well, five hundred thousand dollars of branding can't be wrong, mmkay. And 'Pork' has a nice rustic ring to it.
Stan: Dad, what did the K Street guys want from you?
Randy: Nothing! They just kept saying 'paper is the past.' Great guys. All in favor of free money?

Federal Compliance Asset #402-PORK

MOTION CARRIES UNANIMOUSLY · WELCOME TO SOUTH PORK

Volume falls. Next motion.

No solutions in Act 1. The town gets five decisions and takes all five. Skip to the rebuttal.