South Pork Town Hall · Motion 5 of 5

Motion Five — eighty-two cents

MOVED: effective July 12, 2026, the Forever stamp goes to 82¢ — a 49% increase over the 2019 price — as part of an overall 4.8% increase in mailing services.

By now nobody proposes anything else. The motion is not debated; it is scheduled. Cartman does the arithmetic out loud, gets it exactly backwards, and the room applauds the confidence.

Response rates did not improve 49% since 2019. Nothing about the product got 49% better. The only thing that changed 49% is what it costs to participate.

Passed unanimously, on the same night USPS planned a $8.1 billion loss for the year. Five motions, one direction, zero dissent.

Source: USPS April 9, 2026 price filing; July 12, 2026 price change; USPS FY2026 Integrated Financial Plan

The floor is open

Cartman: Okay so if we charge 82 cents instead of 78, and nobody stops mailing—
Kyle: People stop mailing.
Cartman: —and NOBODY stops mailing, we make like a billion extra dollars. I did the math.
Kyle: Your entire model has one assumption and it's the thing we're trying to prove.
Cartman: That's why it's a model, Kahl. You wouldn't get it, you're not in finance.
Butters: Wow, Eric, you sure are good at business!
Randy: All in favor? ...Unanimous. Great meeting, everybody.

No solutions in Act 1. The town gets five decisions and takes all five. Skip to the rebuttal.